One of the most common topics discussed in religious trauma support groups is how to create boundaries around family members who are still religious. The issue usually isn't that the person asking for help doesn't understand what boundaries are or how to create them, the issue is usually that their family members simply refuse to respect them. Sometimes it feels like they can't comprehend what the term boundary even means.
The word boundary in this context is referring to an invisible line that defines how people can treat you - what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior that you define as requirements to maintain a healthy relationship with you. The purpose of a boundary is to make clear to someone who wants to have a relationship with you what lines they must not cross, as a means of respecting you as an individual with unique emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual needs.
When you make your boundaries clear and they are not respected by someone you love and who says they love you (especially immediate family members like your parents and siblings) this can be very emotionally upsetting and confusing. You can be torn between feeling the need to stand up for yourself and the desire to just get along with your loved one. You may be feeling anger and frustration for not being respected as well as sadness and confusion as to why they don't seem to understand. This can cause you to lash out or maybe to retreat and not reinforce your boundary, but both of those actions cause even more hurt feelings and frustration.
In my opinion, one of the most frustrating things about losing your faith is that you now have a perspective that can only be shared by other people who have lost their faith. Your friends and family that are still devout simply can't see things the way you do. Because of this, it's really hard for them to understand why you may not want to talk about religion, the Bible, Jesus, etc. To them it's still the ultimate comfort, it's still the one and only way to salvation, peace, and happiness. In fact, you losing your faith can be very frustrating for them too. They probably think you're a reasonable person, who is at least just as intelligent as they are, and now you no longer share a foundational belief with them. This can cause cognitive dissonance for them because if they are honest with themselves, they must ask themselves why you no longer believe but they still do. There is also their fear of losing you for all eternity and not being able to share the hereafter with you. In addition to these, a foundational aspect of Christianity is to "go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation." The idea of "not accepting no for an answer" is also inherent to fundamentalism (although not so openly talked about) because how can it be the one and only truth if people can't and won't believe it?
Understanding all of this doesn't excuse people who won't respect your boundaries, but it can help you with your confidence and assertiveness around enforcing your boundaries. If you can understand where they are coming from, you can see that they are almost obligated to ignore your boundaries, otherwise they could be admitting that their faith isn't the one and only truth, the only way to God. They also may be admitting that their faith isn't as strong as they thought it was, which can be a frightening thought, as you most likely already know. Because of this, you can expect them to push against your boundaries and you can be prepared for it. You can be prepared to have to enforce your boundaries and understand that you have to be the one to ultimately stand up for yourself and demand the respect you need to create the space you need to heal. Your first priority is to yourself and your own wellbeing. If this means stopping communication with friends and family that just can't respect your boundaries that is absolutely OK for you to do, even though it may cause you sadness. In the long term it will pay off because this is a critical step to regaining your personal integrity. It can be hard to let loved ones go through their own feelings and emotions that your decisions seem to be causing, but keep in mind that they are also deciding how they react. Keep strong your boundaries and know that no one can fault you for putting your needs first.
Having to set firm boundaries with friends and family may require you to stop communicating with them completely and that is a hard thing to do. Connection and belonging are basic human needs and losing connection to those that have been closest to us can leave a hole. Losing your religion also leaves a hole and a main reason why people stay in religions is because of the community it provides. Maintaining your boundaries is essential to your healing process so finding new forms of community can help mitigate any loss experienced. Finding community through support groups, online groups, hobby groups, gyms and studios, etc. will greatly help you develop your new sense of identity as well as fulfill your basic human needs that you are entitled to. After some time, when you are feeling strong in your personal integrity and identity, you can begin to start relationships with your friends and family anew. From this new place of self-confidence and wholeness their religious views won't have anywhere near the impact on you. Keep strong. Recovery is a process and it gets easier with time.
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